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中英双语 A Victim of the Consumer Crusaders

A Victim of the Consumer Crusaders I can’t eat or drink anything. I can’t go anywhere. I have become a victim of the consumer reporter. Ever since Ralph Nader and his pales started investigating, I have gradually become an anorexia nervosa hermit. My friends warn me that I’ve been taking the news too seriously. But if you read the paper and watch television every night, you begin to get the feeling that if the mugger doesn’t kill you — BOTULISM will! I have ceased eating from a can. The tiniest dent sends me into fits of terror. After all, the New York Times said that seven ounces of botulism bacteria could kill the entire human race. Tuna fish is double jeopardy. You might avoid the toxic bacteria — but beware of maggots. I started eating hamburgers instead of tuna for lunch, but then I read a story in the New York Post that hamburger meat tested around town showed particles of animal shit mashed in it, and the spices were spiked with rodent hairs. Hot dogs were banished from the luncheon fare following features of franks filled with cancerous chicken wings. If carcinogenic agents don’t phase you, one doctor wrote that the nitrate in hot dogs inhibits one’s sexual hormones. Hormones are another horror. If you’re afraid of blood clots and cancer from ingesting birth control or morning after pills — just think what happens when you devour a juicy steak from a cow chock–full of hormones to fatten her up. Sausage can cause trichinosis. It said so right on the package I bought at the D’Agostino Supermarket. Eggs can give you a heart attack. If this story is making you nervous, don’t take a drink — cirrhosis of the liver — and don’t pick up that cigarette — you know what the Surgeon General said. It’s on the side of the pack. Reach for a tomato, and it’s filled with gas and covered with DDT. The frozen food has preservatives and the milk you are feeding your baby could be watered down. And you know what they’ve been saying about the water in New Orleans. It might just be causing THE BIG C! Mortal fear of the refrigerator drives me from the apartment. But I freeze at the elevator remembering too many tales of elevator rapes. I dash through the vestibule with visions of vestibule murders. Subways are out.15 Too much of a

risk for a woman alone. I’m afraid to wait for a bus or a cab, because I might get mugged while I’m waiting or choke from the pollution. The National Safety Council says someone dies in a car crash every nine minutes. There is no way I’m going to get on a plane after what happened in Guatemala, Venezuela, Tunisia and Paris. Even waving good-by to a daring traveler is fraught with perils. You never know where a Palestinian guerrilla will strike next. So I’m lying under the covers in my apartment, freezing. I’ve turned off the steam heat, because it’s bad for my complexion. I can’t use the electric heater, because it might catch on fire. I’m lying flat on my back. I can’t even get comfortable. I threw out my pillow last week. You see, it’s because I read in a magazine that sleeping on a pillow gives you wrinkles on your neck. So I turned over to watch the late movie on my color TV — and then I remembered — THE RAYS … THE RAYS…THE RAYS… 消费者权益保护运动害人不浅 我这不敢吃,那不敢喝,什么地方都不敢去,可算是让消费者报告的记 者们给害惨了。自从拉尔夫·纳德和他的伙计们着手食品安全调查研究,我 便一天天的像是得了精神性厌食症一样,而且还变成了一个不出家门的隐 士。朋友们都劝我,不要拿这些新闻报道太当真。但你要是每天晚上都读读 报纸看看电视的话,你就会发觉,就算你能从歹徒手中逃脱,也防不住被肉 毒杆菌毒死! 我已经不吃罐头食品了。就算瞄一眼罐头盒上细微的凹陷也会惊出我一 身冷汗。毕竟《纽约时报》上有过报道,七盎司的肉毒杆菌就能灭亡整个人 类。吃金枪鱼更是有双倍的风险。就算你吃不到毒菌,但也得注意别吃到蛆 虫。 从此午餐我也不吃金枪鱼了,改吃汉堡。可后来,我在《纽约邮报》上 看到一篇报道:全市进行食品卫生检测,结果在汉堡用肉中测出了动物粪便 残渣,汉堡调料里还找出了鼠毛。热狗也从我的餐桌上消失了,因为我又读 到了一段新闻,说热狗肠都是用致癌鸡翅做的。就算致癌物吓不住你,你还 得注意:有专家说,热狗中所含的硝酸盐会抑制性激素生成。

激素也是一种可怕的东西。如果你害怕因为服用避孕药或醒酒药而患上 血栓病和癌症,那你就得考虑一下,当你狼吞虎咽下一块多汁的牛排之后, 会产生什么样的后果。这些牛可都是用激素喂大的。 吃香肠会引发旋毛虫病。这一点在从达戈斯蒂诺超市买的香肠包装上写 的一清二楚。吃鸡蛋则会诱发心脏病。如果看到这儿你有些紧张了,那就一 点儿酒也别沾,喝酒会造成肝硬化。把手里的烟也放下,你懂的,公共卫生 署署长的忠告就标在烟盒边上。 想买个番茄吧,都是里面打了瓦斯,外面涂了农药的。冷冻食品里都加 了防腐剂。给宝宝买的牛奶里也都掺了水。你也肯定听说过人们一直在议论 的新奥尔良水污染问题,喝水都可能致癌啊! 食品安全问题让我对电冰箱产生了极度的恐惧感,吓得我赶紧逃离了公 寓。然而站在电梯门口,回想起自己三番五次听说的电梯强奸案,我又僵住 了。 我急速冲过门厅, 满脑子想的全是那些门厅谋杀事件。 地铁我也不敢坐, 一个女人独自坐地铁简直太危险了。我还害怕等公交车或出租车,因为等车 的时候我很可能被抢劫,或是被汽车尾气给熏死。 国家安全委员会指出, 每九分钟就会有一人死于车祸。 想想在危地马拉、 委内瑞拉、突尼斯还有巴黎发生的那些悲剧,我说什么也不会去坐飞机了。 就算仅仅是跟那些大胆的出游者们挥手告别,我也得冒着生命危险。你永远 都无法预料巴勒斯坦的恐怖分子们下一个袭击目标是哪儿。 所以我就盖上被子,躺在公寓里挨冻。我把暖气都关了,因为开暖气对 皮肤不好。电暖器容易着火,也不能用。我就这么干躺着,想躺舒服一点都 不行。上周我把枕头扔了,因为我从杂志上看到,枕枕头睡觉会伤害颈椎。 于是我翻了个身起来,打开彩电想看点儿午夜电影,结果又想到,电视 有辐射啊……辐射啊……辐射啊……